Nap Time at the Party: Confessions of a Socially Exhausted Aspie

Me at social events:

Me: I need a nap.

NT: Again?

Five minutes later.

NT: (Cracks door) You need to come down and talk to people. This is your fifth nap today. Everyone is starting to look at me funny.

Me: How about if you tell them I need to get to bed early? I am an early to bed, early to rise person. It’s the truth.

NT: Yeah, but it’s only 6pm. (Slaps forehead)

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Aspie Problems: When Your To-Do List Includes Tasks 12 Months Away

NT: What are you doing?

Me: Looking for hiking shoes.

NT: But our hike isn't until next year.

Me: Precisely. I like to plan ahead so I'm not scrambling at the last minute.

NT: Okay, I see. What are you doing now?

Me: Packing for my trip.

NT: But your trip isn't until next month.

Me: Precisely. Planning eliminates stress!

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Aspie Problems: Navigating the Minefield of Unspoken Expectations

Aspie problems:

• Doing too much.

• Doing too little.

• Doing nothing when something is expected.

• Doing something when nothing is expected.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Journaling as a Neurodivergent Coping Mechanism

I recently discovered that journaling can be a form of stimming for me. It's not always that I want to write - sometimes it's simply the physical act of feeling the pen glide across the paper that I crave.

Throughout the day, I find myself writing constantly - my to-do lists, my schedule, my ideas. But I also really enjoy the practice of journaling, both in my productivity journal and my personal journal. Though I don't do it as consistently as I'd like, there are periods where I journal every single day, and other times where I stop for a while.

When I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed, physically writing out my to-do list or planning my day or week in my paper planner helps give me clarity. There's something about the act of putting pen to paper that allows me to organize my thoughts and not feel as bogged down by everything I need to do.

When I'm feeling troubled or confused, I often turn to my journal. I know from experience how effective it can be for problem-solving. Writing down my thoughts and asking myself questions helps bring up the answers I'm seeking. Sometimes I'm surprised by what comes out - I often have those "aha" moments, new ideas, and important discoveries.

My journaling takes many forms - sometimes it's a literal pros and cons list, other times it's just a stream of consciousness exploring a particular issue or topic, like energy management. There are even occasions when I avoid journaling, even though I know I need it, because I'm afraid of what might come up. But I'm trying to be more gentle with myself about that - the truth is always better, and writing it down sets me free, even in the toughest moments.

Journaling is a way for me to be a friend to myself. It reminds me to take the time to recover, to feel, and to press the pause button when I need to. As a neurodivergent individual, it's a practice that serves me well.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Inside the Aspie Brain: Logic, Logic, and More Logic

How My Aspie Brain Thinks:

• Is this logical?

• What's the logic behind this?

• The logical thing to do is...

How My Aspie Brain Handles Problems:

Me: What's the solution?

NT: Sometimes, people just want to talk and vent.

Me: (Cannot compute) Why would emotions be part of this?

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Aspie Problems: The Pain of Being Misunderstood

For an Aspie, pain is:

• When people think you're lying when you are telling the truth, just because you're not facially expressive or don't make eye contact.

• When people think you're unemotional and lack empathy because you sound monotone when you speak.

• When people get mad at you because they use subtext and you don't understand why, since they are not communicating directly and literally.

• When people think you're pretending not to understand them, when you really aren't.

• When people think you're lazy or just trying to get attention when you truthfully do not understand something or are asking many questions in order to understand.

• When you share your honest feelings and people don't believe you because you're so matter-of-fact about it.

• When you lose a friend and don't know why.

• When people take advantage of your honesty and kindness.

• When you do something that's not required, or don't do something that is.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

Aspie Problems: Decoding the Dreaded "How Are You?" Question

Questions I just don't understand:

"How are you?"

"What's happening?"

"How's it going?"

Too many variables. Cannot compute.

Thoughts that go through my head when somebody asks me one of those questions:

Do you mean what's happening right now?

How much do you want to know?

Do you really care or are you just being polite?

Will you dislike me if I said XYZ?

Am I being too personal if I say that?

Can my answer be on a scale from one to ten?

Honesty Makes Decision Making So. Much. Easier.

• Honesty makes decision making so. much. easier.

• Honesty makes life simple.

• Honesty makes things less complicated.

• Honesty avoids unnecessary miscommunication.

• Honesty helps build truthful, deep connections.

#Vulnerable

Through the Lens of Tears

My eyelashes feel so heavy,

I couldn’t see the beautiful sun rays peeking through the trees, though I tried,

These droplets of tears weighing down each strand,

And yet, I am still so lucky.

#Vulnerable

What Would You Do If You Had $189 Billion Dollars?

What would you do if I had $189 billion dollars?

The first things that come to mind are:

• Fulfill my life's purpose and calling - faster

• Help my family

• Contribute to the world in a meaningful way

• Have the freedom to be my true, authentic self - easier

• Cultivate a deep, fulfilling spiritual life

• Build genuine, nourishing relationships and connections

• Enjoy peaceful, restful sleep every night

• Live in a calm, quiet place surrounded by nature

• Maintain a healthy, vibrant mind and body

• Constantly quench my insatiable curiosity

• Continuously learn new things

• Have the freedom of unstructured time

• Travel, travel, travel to my heart's content

When the Universe Switched On The Lights

When I found out I had Asperger's, it was as if the Universe switched on the lights after I had been crawling in the dark my whole life.

It was both a relief and a revelation. Finally, everything made sense. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not a bad person. I am not stupid. I am simply born with a different type of brain.

I cried intense tears of joy. I also cried intense tears of sadness. I cried because I felt a deep sinking confirmation of what I've felt my whole life. I thought I would grow out of it. I thought maybe one day I would feel and be accepted. But no. Now I know, nobody, not even my closest ones, will ever fully understand me. And I will never understand them.

The feeling I’ve always felt - the feeling of being an alien, and the feeling of being misunderstood - is now here to stay for the rest of my life.

However, I am an optimist. I refused to believe that this would be my fate. I started to think of solutions - my typical Aspie brain. How could I find other Aspies? If I found them, would I finally feel understood?

So I forged on my new quest - finding my tribe. I had no idea how I could go about doing this. Nobody is walking around with Aspie name tags. I despised digital communication, so I decided to use The Law of Attraction.

Surprisingly, I started to meet people who were Aspie, though they didn't even know it yet. The funny thing is, they discovered their true identity through me being open about my own Asperger's. I love it when by being vulnerable, others are able to be open about who they truly are too.

Early 2020, I started my MeetUp Group. There I got to meet even more Aspies. I didn't feel like an oddball. I didn't feel misunderstood. Finally, I am not alien. Not the one who never seemed to fit in.

I found Aspie Planet. My planet. And here, I can be myself. No masking necessary.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Really Weird at Parties

(NT and Aspie arrive at a house party)

NT: Okay, so here we are.

Aspie: What's the objective again?

NT: Well, the objective is to have fun.

Aspie: How do I do that? I don't find parties fun. It actually causes me a lot of anxiety...

NT: Not all parties are "fun" fun, there are hits and misses, but they can be enjoyable for most people. You get to meet new folks, hang out with the crowd.

Aspie: Okay. And why would I want to do that?

NT: To make new friends, new connections, network, make contacts.

Aspie: I see. To make contacts. That could prove helpful.

NT: Yeah, but this party is not really about that. Here we just relax and have fun, meet people, that's it.

Aspie: (*pause) But I don't like people.

NT: Um, well, there's always food... sometimes dogs and cats, maybe even books.

Aspie: Yeah, okay.

NT: Alright, let's go.

(15 minutes later)

Aspie: Hey, I'm leaving.

NT: Yeah, okay. See you tomorrow.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

I Don't Believe in "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"

It's not that I believe in "out of sight, out of mind" - I don't.

It's just that I can't handle digital communication. It over-sensorizes me. (Yes, I made that word up.)

It tires me. It drains me.

I wish I wasn't this way, but I am.

#Vulnerable

Everything Should Have Pockets

1. My newsletter was posted today. I didn't realize what a nice date it was: 07.07.2020.

2. I've been wearing the same black summer dress these past few days (I have a few of them — all the same). I "installed" pockets into them (I got them sewn in). I love pockets. They are so practical. In my opinion, all articles of clothing should have pockets.

3. It was nice to finally catch up on some odds and ends without the pressure and rush for time. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm grateful to have reached this point of relative calm and organization.

4. I love the light coming in from my window. I am so lucky and blessed to have such a beautiful view to look at every day.

5. Unity and I both ate quinoa today. He loves it.

#Vulnerable

The Piano of My Dreams

I dreamt that a new upright piano was brought into my home.

Brand new, fresh from delivery, I stood in awe looking at the piano, marveling at its beauty. I could hear the delivery men chatting away as they were preparing to leave, but I simply ignored it all.

"I can't believe it. A piano, finally, in my own home," I thought. I reflected on how long it had been since I had an actual acoustic piano in my living space - years and years.

I reached out and touched the keys of the piano. The familiar weight and texture beneath my fingertips felt like coming home. I could feel the solid wood, and I felt a profound sense of happiness wash over me. I couldn't believe this was real.

As I woke up from the dream.

I could still feel the the piano keys under my fingers.

#Vulnerable

The Most Expensive Thing In The World

I've read that a rich person has a lot of money, but a wealthy person has a lot of time. This idea has always intrigued me and made me wonder - what is truly the most expensive thing in the world?

Is it success? Money? Time? Fame? Love? Friends? Family?

When I look around, I see people striving relentlessly, even when they've already attained great wealth, status, and recognition. So what is it they're really after? A sense of achievement? Acknowledgment? Self-worth?

It seems that no matter how much we accumulate in the external world, there is still an underlying hunger that drives us. A hunger that money and material possessions alone cannot satisfy.

Perhaps the most precious, the most expensive commodity of all, is the freedom to live authentically. To feel a profound sense of purpose and fulfillment, not just fleeting success.

For in the end, the most expensive thing we can ever possess is the freedom to live a life that is truly our own.

#Vulnerable

Being With Nature Reminds Me of Who I Am

I haven't been able to hike for many weekends, as I've been catching up with work. But it was really nice to get out on the trail today.

The weather was cloudy and slightly chilly, which was perfect. There was only one other hiker, so it was ideal for social distancing. Unity, my furry companion, had a blast running around off-leash.

At one point, I came across a nice bench where I was able to do some simple sketching. I also collected a few wildflowers to bring home and put in a glass of water by my table. Every time I look at them, it reminds me of the hike, and it makes me smile.

Being immersed in nature has a way of grounding me and reminding me of who I truly am. The fresh air, the gentle sounds of the forest, the opportunity to disconnect from the digital world - it all serves to recenter and rejuvenate my senses.

As an individual with a neurodivergent brain, I find that these moments of solitude and connection with the natural world are essential for my well-being. They allow me to shed the masks and expectations that I often feel compelled to wear in more social settings.

In nature, I can simply be.

#Vulnerable

Reclaiming My Childhood Focus

As I've been reflecting on my life, I've started to ask myself some important questions:

• What was going right in my childhood that made me able to focus on the important things better?

• How can I re-create that environment now, in my adult life?

• Do I have ADHD /ADD?

These questions have been weighing heavily on my mind, as I recognize the need to better understand the nuances of my neurodivergent wiring.

As a child, there were times when I could focus well and thrive. But as an adult, I've found it harder to recapture that sense of clarity and purpose.

The idea of getting tested is both scary and intriguing to me. I'm worried about what the assessment might reveal. But I also really want to understand myself better and find solutions that will help me succeed.

I know I'm capable of so much more than the daily challenges I face now. If there are ways to improve my brain function and focus, and use my strengths more effectively, then I need to explore those options.

#Vulnerable

Masking 101: Lights! Camera! Action!

I was thinking about the conversations I had with my Asperger's group about masking. It was really interesting and challenging. Many of us in the group mask so much that we can't even tell the difference between our masked selves and our real selves.

This is especially true for those of us who work in entertainment, like actors. As autistics, we're constantly acting and performing - masking ourselves. And as actors, it's our job to be someone else. So how do we know which personality is the real us?

I think it would be really helpful to talk more about this with a group of other autistic actors. It would be great to hear their experiences and insights.

PS. If you're an autistic actor, feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to connect and explore this topic further together.

#Aspie #Neurodivergent

The 20TB Organizational Odyssey (And Why I Never Want to Do It Again)

I just finished organizing 20TB of files.

I just finished organizing 20TB of files.

I JUST FINISHED ORGANIZING 20 TB OF FILES.

I never want to do that ever again….

PS. Back up that hard drive!!!